What Happens at the Cullens, stays at the Cullens
by Lilly1413
Summary: Bella is at the Cullens and some really weird things go down. Why is Emmett talking about twinkies? Oneshot, OOC and T for language. Revamped version!


**I don't own Twilight or any of it's characters! This is just a random parody I thought of after two Monsters and a long, sleepless night--enjoy! A/N I added a bit more to this piece, it seemed way too short.**

**------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------**

Bella was at the Cullens just lounging on the couch with Emmett while he rambled on about twinkies. "Uh, Em? Why are you talking about twinkies anyway?" Emmett stared at her as if she called him a name. "'Cause they're fuckin' amazing!!" Bella moved further from him. "You don't eat though..." she wasn't sure if this was some sort of joke or if Jasper dared him to drink bleach again. As Bella was about to protest again, Jasper came walking down the stairs with a hot pink spedo on. She blushed deeply and looked away. "Jasper what the fuck are you doing?" Jasper looked hurt. 'You don't think i look sexy, Bella?" Bella didn't know what to say. Suddenly Alice appeared out of thin air. "Holy shit Alice!! Where did you come from?!" Alice smirked. "I came to tell you that you should watch your back," she whispered. Bella was a little scared now.

Then a coffin appeared in the middle of the living room. "Stuff needs to stop fuckin' appearing out of nowhere!" Bella knocked on the coffin and Carlisle flew the lid open. He was wearing plastic fangs and cheap fake blood dripped down his chin. "Isabella, how nice to see you," he said seductively. Bella tried to throw garlic at him but he bared his fangs and hissed dramatically. With a yelp she leaped over the back of the couch and hid. A cloud of smoke appeared before Bella and Alice smiled.

"What. The. Fuck."

"You bastard! You almost stole my corner!" Alice ranted. Bella gave her an incredulous look. Alice crawled over to the corner and rocked back and forth in fetal position. Bella stood up and jumped back over the couch, but being the clumsy little human she is, she lands on the hardwood floor face first. "Fucking floor," she grumbled. Esme skipped down the stairs way too happily. Before Bella could even ask, Esme ran to Carlisle and jumped in the coffin with him. Bella shuddered as she heard them do unspeakable things.

"Yeah uhh..i'm going to go find Edward," she got up and walked into the kitchen to ind Edward dancing on Esme's table singing "Don't trust me" "...She wants to touch me woo! She'll never leave me woo! Don't trust a hoe, never trust a hoe, don't trust a hoe, don't trust me!!" Bella was confused, scared and disgusted all at the same time. Edward never did anything slightly funny or strange. He put his hand out to pull her up on the table with him "_oh what the hell"_ she thought. She took Edwards hand and when she was up on the table she suddenly had the urge to dance like a moron. Bella spun in circles as she clumsily tried to dance. "Dance with me, Edward!" she cried. So Edward Anthony Masen Cullen did the only randomly stupid dance he knew: The Chicken Dance.

After a long time of dancing like two handicapped kids, Edward and Bella stopped to look at each other. Edward asked her the only question in his mind, "Wanna do it?" Bella didn't even answer she just ripped off his shirt. As they were getting busy Emmett walked in and saw the two love-birds in their birthday suits. He screamed like a little girl. "HOLY SHIT IM BLIND!!!" And he took off running upstairs to scrub his eyes with soap.

Jasper stood in front of Alice and gave her a grin. "Like what you see?" he waggled his eyebrows. Alice screamed and tried o hide. "Ali, whats wrong?" She looked away from him and his...eh, brightly colored spedo. "Your little bathing suit is giving us eye sores," Rosalie snickered. Jasper jumped and stared at her. "When the fuck did you get here?!" Rosalie glared at him. "I was here the whole time, asswipe." Alice looked around stopped when she saw Rose. "Nuh uh none of us saw you," Jasper folded his arms and smiled. "Don't say a word, Borat. Did you ever think that maybe no one wants to look at your little one inch?" They heard Emmetts booming laughter from upstairs. Jasper and Rosalie continued to fight until Alice broke the silence. "DONT TELL ME HOW TO COUNT!!!" she ran upstairs and slammed her bedroom door.

Three hours later Edward lie on the table with Bella exausted. "Edward?" He looked at her. "Yeah?" Bella blushed deeply as she heard the howls of laughter coming from the living room and the screams coming from a very pissed Esme. "Did it ever occur to you that we just did it in the open, where everyone could see, on your mother's priceless two hundred year old table?" Edward scrunched his face in deep thought. "Yes, yes it did. but then I kinda couldn't hear myself think with your-" Bella put her hand over his mouth. "Okay, okay! I have another question for you." Edward smirked. "Lay it on me." She sat up and covered herself nervously as the Cullen's laughter echoed through the kitchen.

"How do we get up to your room?"

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

**haha I had fun writing this. A naked Edward and a very embarrassed Bella...whats new? Review this very...screwed up oneshot! -Lilly1413**


End file.
